Divorce

Divorce is a word that can trigger many emotions both personally and intellectually.  Divorce has probably affected every person and every family directly and indirectly.  There are numerous studies and statistics about divorce, but some aren’t that reliable, while others are fairly accurate.  There are multiple studies that have found that marriage couples that were dissatisfied or unhappy in marriage, were assessed 5 years later and found that 70% became very satisfied or happy in marry.  Two years after the divorce, one or both partners said that “they could have or should have saved the marriage”.

Seventy percent of men are remarried within 2 years of a divorce, women are much less likely to marry after divorce.  A contributing factor might be women whom have children may be the primary caregivers and it is more difficult for men to commit to an entire new family.  Women may become more selective when seeking a marriage partner the second time around.  72% of marriages remain married to their first partner until death.  The most common divorce rate that is quoted is that 50% of marriages end in divorce, but typically this include those that have been divorced multiple times.  This is what contributes to this statistic, 2^nd and 3^rd marriages result in divorce more often, which increases the percentage of marriages that end in divorce.

How does this affect the father’s relationship with his children after a divorce?  Typically, mother’s move to a new location to find increased support for herself and family.  The mother sometimes needs to move to find new work to support the family.  Fathers sometimes need to move to find a better job to support his family with increased costs including child support.  The absence of the father in his children’s lives has an enormous effect on the outcome of the children.  Sometimes we don’t fully realize how much divorce will affect the entire family.  We do know that everyone is hurt by a divorce.

Dallin H. Oaks gave some beautiful counsel about divorce.  He said, “Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache.  A broad-based international study of the levels of happiness before and after “major life events” found that, on average, persons are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness after the death of a spouse than after a divorce.  Spouses who hope that divorce will resolve conflicts often find that it aggravates them, since the complexities that follow divorce—especially where there are children—generate new conflicts. Think first of the children. Because divorce separates the interests of children from the interests of their parents, children are its first victims. Scholars of family life tell us that the most important cause of the current decline in the well-being of children is the current weakening of marriage, because family instability decreases parental investment in children. We know that children raised in a single-parent home after divorce have a much higher risk for drug and alcohol abuse, sexual promiscuity, poor school performance, and various kinds of victimization.”

A divorce doesn’t only affect the couple and the children, it affects the extended family.  For example, the grandparents, step children, in-laws, cousins, aunts and uncles whom are expected to sever or abolish those relationships.  Some children will never have contact with some of their most cherished and influential people that they love, because of divorce.  Divorce affects the entire family both immediate and extended. 

What follows divorce?  After some time determined by each individual, dating begins.  This may introduce opportunities for re-marriage.  Many times, this includes acquiring step-children, half-children and the blending of families.  This requires a great deal of patience and working together as a newly organized marriage and family.  In most cases, mothers are very protective of their children especially when the new father figure tries to discipline a child.  If one parent is stricter than the other, the other parent often compensates for that.  This can be frustrating for both parents in the new marriage, or in any marriage.  The other spouse can feel they are being undermined and their feelings are not valid in the home, in the marriage, and with the new children.  This take a tremendous amount of communication and trying to not undermine the spouse’s opinion.  This might mean you need to have more closed-door conversations to address these new issues.  Each spouse needs to value the other and help each other with their new roles and challenges with marriage and parenting with love and respect.

Divorce in some cases are appropriate and it is only for the individuals involved to decide what is best for them and their families.  We should not judge one another by the choices made, in every case we need to show and increase love to those who struggle in any way.