Parenting

What is the purpose of parenting? It is to protect and prepare a child to survive and thrive in the world they are going to live in.  The role of mother and father is the most important work we will ever have.  Society is beginning to value these roles as secondary to careers, education, degrees, and positions of power. 

Positive parenting helps develop healthy connections and develops a sense of safety for the children.  It also helps communities and society as a whole.  It is important to teach children courage, self-esteem, responsibility, cooperation, and respect at young ages to establish a healthy emotional development.  We also need to be socialized to be happy, physical touch is important to fulfill an essential need.  Many times, as parents we focus on behaviors and are eager to correct them.  This may be due to our desire to be seen as good parents if others see how obedient our children are.  We might also believe that we are instilling respect in our children if they do what we say.  This may be a good desire, but if we are only focusing on behaviors we are not really focused on long-term goals and character-building traits.  Children may only show us the behavior but they may not actually be developing long-lasting behavior.  We can do things for the wrong reasons all the time.  When we do things out of force or obligation, we may do it resentfully or rebelliously.  This then may become more about control.  When children grow up being controlled, they are not fully prepared to live independently.  In many cases they likewise end up controlling their own children, cycles repeat themselves so be careful what you want to pass on to the future generation.  It is important to teach your children to contribute so they can feel they are part of a team.  This helps them develop a sense of belonging and empowerment.  It is good to offer development skill building activities that challenge them.  There are times we prevent our children from doing anything difficult believing we are helping them.  In reality, we are crippling them or stifling their growth.  I love the parable of the butterfly.

A child’s primary needs are physical contact, sense of belonging, individual power, withdrawal, and challenge.  Sometimes children take a mistaken approach with undue attention seeking, rebellion, attempting to control others (bullying), and seeking revenge.  A parental approach might be to offer contact freely, teach choices and consequences, and teach responsibility or in other words (response ability), assertiveness, and forgiveness.  It is vital to teaching these principles by example, showing your children what these things look like.  It is important to give your children opportunities to grow and develop these characteristics.  Many times, we want to intervene and prevent our children from being hurt or uncomfortable so we remove obstacles so our children won’t suffer.  However, growth during struggle may be some of their most valuable learning and beneficial for their future.  It’s important to let your children fail sometimes, this can be very difficult, but if they fail when they are still growing, you have an opportunity to guide them through it.  It is better for them to learn this while they are young and impressionable, verses them learning this as a young adult away from your home and without the influence of their parents.  

We have heard about helicopter parents who hover over their children and try to influence their decisions or tell their young adult children what they should do.  There is a new term called lawnmower parents.  These types of parents clear a path of all obstacles or difficulties before their children.  They don’t want their children to suffer or struggle in life.  The issue this presents for children is it stifles essential growth and development.  What is wrong with struggle?  Absolutely nothing, it is essential and where our greatest education comes from.  I hear many parents counsel their adult children about marrying too early, discouraging children from having children early in their marriage, delaying marriage and family until they have finished their education and established their careers, for the sake of preventing struggle.  This is not doctrinal, on the contrary.  Parents should not have opinions on this and if so, you should keep it to yourself.  Once children marry, those conversations are for the couple only, if they do ask for an opinion, you may share some thoughts or experiences you have had.  But parents should not tell their adult children what they should do, they need to learn to rely on spiritual promptings and the counsel of their new spouse.  This can develop a whole new set of issues, and can damage the new budding marriage relationship.  Parenting is the most difficult and beautiful role of our lives.