Intimacy in Marriage

Intimacy in and out of marriage can be a sensitive and even taboo topic, but it shouldn’t be.  Intimacy was given to us by God, our bodies were created for “oneness”, joy, pleasure, increased closeness, and to create children.  There are some who believe that sexual intimacy is only for the bearing of children but this is not true, it is to enhance a marital relationship, and increase in closeness.  This is something that should only be expressed in marriage between a husband and a wife, it unifies them and helps them to find companionship, joy, and love. 

Sex is not a dirty word, but it has been made some feel that way.  Our society has turned intimacy into a shameful thing, but it has been taken out of context and what it’s purpose initially was.  We are exposed to sex in all forms of media through, music, movies, television, literature, and pornography.  Intimacy can be so beautiful and wonderful as partners learn to serve one another but can become something harmful, hurtful, and used as a negotiating tool.  This was never the purpose and it is something very important to enhance marriages that both partners feel safe and secure communicating their concerns to one another.

In previous blogs I have written, I mentioned the need for open, honest communication.  In regards to intimacy this is very important as well.  We tend to be shy, or withdraw from talking about this topic, but it is an important part of marriage.  A book that has really helped me is, “And They Were Not Ashamed”.  I struggled as a newlywed 25 years ago, I had a hard time transitioning from this is bad, and now we are married, so it is good.  I had a hard time being open about sex with my spouse, and for those that know me now, may be shocked by that.  I didn’t feel I could talk openly with anyone about intimacy because no one talked about it.  I have tried to talk openly to my children about this, so they are more prepared about intimacy and can be open with their spouses.  The book, I mentioned above is Christian based and it discusses real life issues that couples face is a beautiful and open way.  It has chapters in there for women and for men and how each of them may feel, and things that can help each of them to better understand and know about the other. We should never feel shameful about something that God has commanded us to do, to help us be happy as a couple.  He wants us to feel joy, pleasure, happiness, and content in our most private moments with our companion, it is part of His plan.

I strongly believe, that we need to teach this to our children at age appropriate times, but at least by age 8.  We should not feel ashamed to use proper names for the anatomy of our bodies, if we are ashamed to use this language with our children, they will observe that and feel it is bad or wrong due to our actions, or lack thereof.  If our children cannot come to us and feel comfortable with changes in their bodies and sexual inquiries, they will turn to the internet and friends for this education.  Is this really what we want?  It is best for our children to learn from us, and this gives us as parents an opportunity to share what we know and how this knowledge has blessed your marriage and family.  It can bring you closer together, and when the questions get harder, they will know they can trust you and seek your guidance.  Children should not learn about sex and intimacy two days before they get married, it is far too late by then, they may have already turned to pornography to learn about it.

Men and women need to be compassionate and patient as they learn about their new roles in the bedroom once they are married.  A couple would be wise to keep their private matters private, out of respect for the spouse.  However, if there is something that one or the other is struggling with, they should first talk with each other, and perhaps seek professional help in this area.  Every body is different and they respond differently to stimuli, so knowing how your spouse is feeling, is critical to the overall happiness of the marriage relationship.  Be careful in areas of intimacy, men and women do not share the same time frame for arousal, this takes patience, and careful consideration of the partner.  It gets better with time and experience so practice, practice, practice with your spouse and spouse only, of course.