Communicating with Empathy

It has been said the key to a good marriage is to have good communication.  I think it should be of highest importance for both spouses to be able to express themselves honestly and openly in marriage.  It should be a feeling of safety, and yet so many hold back some of their most private and important thoughts and feelings from their partner.  Perhaps this is due to fears, apprehensions, or embarrassment to discuss certain feelings, wondering if they might be judged by their partner.  They may even have resentment towards their spouse for not instinctively knowing them.  The key to good communication is empathy.  Empathy is the ability to understand and share feelings of another.  Empathy can almost be compared to applying first aid to someone who is hurting or in pain.  You are not trying to fix the other person, you are trying to address pain or infliction and understand their point of view.  There are 5 secrets to communication: the first is the disarming technique, you need to find the kernel of truth in what the other person is saying, even when it is hard to hear.  The next step is to express empathy using thoughts, feelings and emotions.  Next is inquiry, should we talk more?  People repeat things until they believe you understand them., they may not always believe that you are listening to them.  Some suggestions to inquire better are to ask:

Assertiveness is defined as confident and forceful behavior.  These are some healthy ways to communicate your feelings without being forceful in a negative way.  Often, we tend to withdraw or avoid exploring these feelings.  Below, I have listed how we can address issues that may come up in an assertive way that is healthy for both people who are involved in the exchange.

When (the event or situation)

I feel or have felt (emotion)

Because (thoughts, my perception)

I would like (share hope)

Notice these begin with “I” statements, not “you” statements.  There is a huge difference in the meaning, for instance, “You make me so angry, You never help me around the house, You don’t make me feel loved.”  It is better to express oneself in this way, “I feel rejected when you don’t validate my feelings, I don’t feel that you respect or love me, I would like us to work as a team.”  No one can tell the other person how they feel, we can only tell someone how we are feeling.  When you use “you” statements, it feels like blame and it immediately makes the other person feel defensive.  Respect is a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.  In the last step we should express genuine and authentic admiration and appreciation.  It is important for us to convey respect.

In D&C 121:41-43, it says, “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile.  Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love towards him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy.”  Isn’t that an interesting statement?  After reproving, which means conveying or expressing blame or disapproval that afterwards we should show an increase of love towards that person.  If we do not do this, that person will consider us to be their enemy.  This works in every relationship, marriage partners, children, co-workers, extended family.  We will say hurtful things in our most important relationships, and we will have difficult conversations.  If we allow the hurtful or negative things to linger or remain, they will fester and manifest themselves in very negative ways.  After a difficult conversation, we need to express the things we do love and appreciate about the other person, not all people are just bad, there is good in everyone.  Let me say, I am not condoning meanness or emotional abuse in any way as long as you end the conversation with a compliment, don’t misread me.  I’m saying when correction is needed do it with love and anxious concern for the other person involved.

Ephesians 4: 29, 31 says, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, than it may ministered grace unto the hearers.”  Vs. 31, “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”  Let us be kind, loving, and forgiving.