Family Roles and Rules

Are there family rules in your home that are unspoken but everyone lives by?  For instance, in our home, everyone sits in the same seats at the dinner table.  They were never verbally assigned but we are creatures of habit therefore we sit in the same place every meal.  Another example is each person is responsible for putting their own dishes in the dishwasher after they eat.  We did teach this when they were young, but for years it has been unspoken and everyone does it.  I think some other unspoken rules that families might have is when they set up the Christmas tree.  Some families believe in waiting until after Thanksgiving while some put it up the first part of November.  This comes down to personal preferences, not that one is right and the other is wrong.  They are simply family traditions, but if allowed they could become stumbling blocks when you marry and begin your own family. 

Often when we grow up with a set of rules, we expect others to live by them too when we marry, or live with companions and roommates.  This can become frustrating when we don't know where the other person is coming from.  We sometimes just assume that if they had good manners, they would do the same things we have done.  Rules gives boundaries, and they are essential for a home to function well.  However, most of us learn rules by violating them; but we gain experience and knowledge through this process, even if it’s painful.  When you become an adult, you get to decide what family rules you want to perpetuate or break.  It is good to discuss these with a fiance to see how they were raised and what values are important to them.  Some individuals may have come from a home where the father made all of the decisions and controlled the budget, or a mother that was dominating.  You may have those same expectations in your future family or it may be something you wish to change.

How do you feel about family roles; what role might you have played?  I was the oldest child, so I played the mini-mom or the boss, as my siblings have told me.  This role is fairly typical of the oldest child as parents often rely on them to be the helper with the other children.  I have heard that middle children feel overlooked and often become the “class clown” or the comic relief in the family so they can stand out and be noticed.  The youngest children tend to get away with the most, I think the older children may wear the parents down.  Another reason may be that parents may have learned to relax a little bit and the stress they carried around with the older children yielded no results. 

The rules and roles in a family are often reinforced with either positive or negative feedback.  We positively enforce the behavior that is good or which may encourage positive changes in the child or the family.  Negative feedback is a result from breaking a family rule, or has a negative influence in the family.  We try to make corrections gently and lovingly to promote positive changes.  Changing and influencing others should not be about punishment, that is not the main goal.  The main goal is peace, family harmony, and love.  Whatever we teach a child, they take it with them into adulthood, so we as parents and role models need to be cautious and aware of our examples. 

The optimal family system is when couples work together consistently and fluently.  Rules and boundaries help children to feel safe and secure.  Many children and youth have expressed when they have too much freedom, they feel like their parents don’t care about them or what they do.  Sometimes these children are constantly pushing boundaries to see if anything happens, if anyone really cares about their safety.  Without boundaries they may become rebellious, too many rules may also yield the same results of rebellion.  Children may begin to feel that they have little to know opinions or agency.  Parenting is complicated and hard and we need to encourage and help one another in this important work.  We should not judge one another on how we parent but simply reach out with love and compassion to share and help in any way.