Are there family rules in your home that are unspoken but
everyone lives by? For instance, in our
home, everyone sits in the same seats at the dinner table. They were never verbally assigned but we are
creatures of habit therefore we sit in the same place every meal. Another example is each person is responsible
for putting their own dishes in the dishwasher after they eat. We did teach this when they were young, but
for years it has been unspoken and everyone does it. I think some other unspoken rules that
families might have is when they set up the Christmas tree. Some families believe in waiting until after
Thanksgiving while some put it up the first part of November. This comes down to personal preferences, not
that one is right and the other is wrong.
They are simply family traditions, but if allowed they could become stumbling
blocks when you marry and begin your own family.
Often when we grow up with a set of rules, we expect others
to live by them too when we marry, or live with companions and roommates. This can become frustrating when we don't
know where the other person is coming from.
We sometimes just assume that if they had good manners, they would do
the same things we have done. Rules gives
boundaries, and they are essential for a home to function well. However, most of us learn rules by violating
them; but we gain experience and knowledge through this process, even if it’s
painful. When you become an adult, you
get to decide what family rules you want to perpetuate or break. It is good to discuss these with a fiance to
see how they were raised and what values are important to them. Some individuals may have come from a home
where the father made all of the decisions and controlled the budget, or a mother
that was dominating. You may have those
same expectations in your future family or it may be something you wish to
change.
How do you feel about family roles; what role might you have
played? I was the oldest child, so I played
the mini-mom or the boss, as my siblings have told me. This role is fairly typical of the oldest
child as parents often rely on them to be the helper with the other
children. I have heard that middle
children feel overlooked and often become the “class clown” or the comic relief
in the family so they can stand out and be noticed. The youngest children tend to get away with
the most, I think the older children may wear the parents down. Another reason may be that parents may have
learned to relax a little bit and the stress they carried around with the older
children yielded no results.
The rules and roles in a family are often reinforced with either
positive or negative feedback. We
positively enforce the behavior that is good or which may encourage positive
changes in the child or the family.
Negative feedback is a result from breaking a family rule, or has a
negative influence in the family. We try
to make corrections gently and lovingly to promote positive changes. Changing and influencing others should not be
about punishment, that is not the main goal.
The main goal is peace, family harmony, and love. Whatever we teach a child, they take it with
them into adulthood, so we as parents and role models need to be cautious and
aware of our examples.
The optimal family system is when couples work together
consistently and fluently. Rules and
boundaries help children to feel safe and secure. Many children and youth have expressed when
they have too much freedom, they feel like their parents don’t care about them
or what they do. Sometimes these
children are constantly pushing boundaries to see if anything happens, if
anyone really cares about their safety.
Without boundaries they may become rebellious, too many rules may also
yield the same results of rebellion. Children
may begin to feel that they have little to know opinions or agency. Parenting is complicated and hard and we need
to encourage and help one another in this important work. We should not judge one another on how we
parent but simply reach out with love and compassion to share and help in any
way.
