Communicating with Empathy

It has been said the key to a good marriage is to have good communication.  I think it should be of highest importance for both spouses to be able to express themselves honestly and openly in marriage.  It should be a feeling of safety, and yet so many hold back some of their most private and important thoughts and feelings from their partner.  Perhaps this is due to fears, apprehensions, or embarrassment to discuss certain feelings, wondering if they might be judged by their partner.  They may even have resentment towards their spouse for not instinctively knowing them.  The key to good communication is empathy.  Empathy is the ability to understand and share feelings of another.  Empathy can almost be compared to applying first aid to someone who is hurting or in pain.  You are not trying to fix the other person, you are trying to address pain or infliction and understand their point of view.  There are 5 secrets to communication: the first is the disarming technique, you need to find the kernel of truth in what the other person is saying, even when it is hard to hear.  The next step is to express empathy using thoughts, feelings and emotions.  Next is inquiry, should we talk more?  People repeat things until they believe you understand them., they may not always believe that you are listening to them.  Some suggestions to inquire better are to ask:

Assertiveness is defined as confident and forceful behavior.  These are some healthy ways to communicate your feelings without being forceful in a negative way.  Often, we tend to withdraw or avoid exploring these feelings.  Below, I have listed how we can address issues that may come up in an assertive way that is healthy for both people who are involved in the exchange.

When (the event or situation)

I feel or have felt (emotion)

Because (thoughts, my perception)

I would like (share hope)

Notice these begin with “I” statements, not “you” statements.  There is a huge difference in the meaning, for instance, “You make me so angry, You never help me around the house, You don’t make me feel loved.”  It is better to express oneself in this way, “I feel rejected when you don’t validate my feelings, I don’t feel that you respect or love me, I would like us to work as a team.”  No one can tell the other person how they feel, we can only tell someone how we are feeling.  When you use “you” statements, it feels like blame and it immediately makes the other person feel defensive.  Respect is a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.  In the last step we should express genuine and authentic admiration and appreciation.  It is important for us to convey respect.

In D&C 121:41-43, it says, “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile.  Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love towards him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy.”  Isn’t that an interesting statement?  After reproving, which means conveying or expressing blame or disapproval that afterwards we should show an increase of love towards that person.  If we do not do this, that person will consider us to be their enemy.  This works in every relationship, marriage partners, children, co-workers, extended family.  We will say hurtful things in our most important relationships, and we will have difficult conversations.  If we allow the hurtful or negative things to linger or remain, they will fester and manifest themselves in very negative ways.  After a difficult conversation, we need to express the things we do love and appreciate about the other person, not all people are just bad, there is good in everyone.  Let me say, I am not condoning meanness or emotional abuse in any way as long as you end the conversation with a compliment, don’t misread me.  I’m saying when correction is needed do it with love and anxious concern for the other person involved.

Ephesians 4: 29, 31 says, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, than it may ministered grace unto the hearers.”  Vs. 31, “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”  Let us be kind, loving, and forgiving.

Stress in Relationships

Husband and wife ideally should be equally yoked together, and this relationship is above any other relationship.  There is a boundary that surrounds the couple, that supersedes other relationships.  The next closest relationship should be between the children, which also have certain boundaries.  When children are too close to one or both parents, they have a hard time breaking away from that relationship as they marry and begin a new marriage.  There are times when mothers put their children’s needs above their spouse’s, this can undermine the husband and his position in the family and more importantly the marriage. 

This can present a challenge when parents have become so close to children while they are being raised. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurturing of their children, and often she can be the one that has important discussions with them.  We should look for opportunities to include the father in these important discussions.  The children will eventually leave the home and this can leave a strain on the marital relationship, if the focus has been primarily on the children and not the marriage.  One of the highest rates of divorce occurs as children leave the home and the husband and wife are left with only one another.  If they have not put their marriage as a high priority above all other relationships, they may find that they may have grown into living parallel lives.  This is a reason why date nights are important and finding things that you can share together as a couple.

I heard some advice recently from a woman who said you should set aside one day a week, one weekend a month, and one week a year for time with just you and your spouse.  Unfortunately, I heard this after my children are grown, but I think it is great advice.  We have been counseled by our church leaders to have a weekly date night for a reason.  There is so much stress in our lives with work, marriage, children, church responsibilities, education, etc.  Courtship after marriage is just as important for maintaining the relationship as it was in dating prior to marriage.  This can be difficult when funds are low and stress with children are high.  Nurturing marriage takes a lot of work and effort, but yields great blessings.

Life is full of stressful events and everyone experiences them, however it is how we respond to these things that determine our ability to work through and overcome them.  It may be easier to break down our stressors' to determine how to move forward and become more resilient.  Resilience is defined as the ability to spring back into shape, or how flexible we are as we experience struggle.  We need to assess our family resources and strengths to overcome and get through our specific challenges. 

When stress in marriage and family occurs, we should see it as an opportunity to assess where we are at, and how we can improve things.  If we are unhappy in our relationships, rather than place blame on the other person, we should see how we are contributing or withholding from individuals.  This applies to children as well as our spouses.  As we diagnose what we personally need and express this openly, honestly, and lovingly to those we love, we may begin to see change.  It may not be the change that you hope another person makes, but the changes you make within yourself.  This is where change begins, with you.  We cannot change or control another person, we can influence them, but change is completely up to them.  The only thing we can ultimately control is ourselves.  I have personally learned that as I let go of anger, hurt, resentment, and betrayal, I free myself from those feelings that seek to destroy my peace.  I have only been able to do this with my Savior, Jesus Christ.  Studying His gospel, reading scriptures about His love, and the forgiveness He offered to others helps me overcome my natural feelings.  He is my exemplar and I have felt of His peace and redeeming love and it is available to everyone.

Intimacy in Marriage

Intimacy in and out of marriage can be a sensitive and even taboo topic, but it shouldn’t be.  Intimacy was given to us by God, our bodies were created for “oneness”, joy, pleasure, increased closeness, and to create children.  There are some who believe that sexual intimacy is only for the bearing of children but this is not true, it is to enhance a marital relationship, and increase in closeness.  This is something that should only be expressed in marriage between a husband and a wife, it unifies them and helps them to find companionship, joy, and love. 

Sex is not a dirty word, but it has been made some feel that way.  Our society has turned intimacy into a shameful thing, but it has been taken out of context and what it’s purpose initially was.  We are exposed to sex in all forms of media through, music, movies, television, literature, and pornography.  Intimacy can be so beautiful and wonderful as partners learn to serve one another but can become something harmful, hurtful, and used as a negotiating tool.  This was never the purpose and it is something very important to enhance marriages that both partners feel safe and secure communicating their concerns to one another.

In previous blogs I have written, I mentioned the need for open, honest communication.  In regards to intimacy this is very important as well.  We tend to be shy, or withdraw from talking about this topic, but it is an important part of marriage.  A book that has really helped me is, “And They Were Not Ashamed”.  I struggled as a newlywed 25 years ago, I had a hard time transitioning from this is bad, and now we are married, so it is good.  I had a hard time being open about sex with my spouse, and for those that know me now, may be shocked by that.  I didn’t feel I could talk openly with anyone about intimacy because no one talked about it.  I have tried to talk openly to my children about this, so they are more prepared about intimacy and can be open with their spouses.  The book, I mentioned above is Christian based and it discusses real life issues that couples face is a beautiful and open way.  It has chapters in there for women and for men and how each of them may feel, and things that can help each of them to better understand and know about the other. We should never feel shameful about something that God has commanded us to do, to help us be happy as a couple.  He wants us to feel joy, pleasure, happiness, and content in our most private moments with our companion, it is part of His plan.

I strongly believe, that we need to teach this to our children at age appropriate times, but at least by age 8.  We should not feel ashamed to use proper names for the anatomy of our bodies, if we are ashamed to use this language with our children, they will observe that and feel it is bad or wrong due to our actions, or lack thereof.  If our children cannot come to us and feel comfortable with changes in their bodies and sexual inquiries, they will turn to the internet and friends for this education.  Is this really what we want?  It is best for our children to learn from us, and this gives us as parents an opportunity to share what we know and how this knowledge has blessed your marriage and family.  It can bring you closer together, and when the questions get harder, they will know they can trust you and seek your guidance.  Children should not learn about sex and intimacy two days before they get married, it is far too late by then, they may have already turned to pornography to learn about it.

Men and women need to be compassionate and patient as they learn about their new roles in the bedroom once they are married.  A couple would be wise to keep their private matters private, out of respect for the spouse.  However, if there is something that one or the other is struggling with, they should first talk with each other, and perhaps seek professional help in this area.  Every body is different and they respond differently to stimuli, so knowing how your spouse is feeling, is critical to the overall happiness of the marriage relationship.  Be careful in areas of intimacy, men and women do not share the same time frame for arousal, this takes patience, and careful consideration of the partner.  It gets better with time and experience so practice, practice, practice with your spouse and spouse only, of course.

Making the Transition from Dating to Marriage

Dating can be such a magical time filled with endorphins, quality time, spontaneity, and endless bliss.  Hopefully during this time, you are able to see your companion in many types of situations that helped you trust, rely on, confide in, and really know this person.  Sometimes we don’t date long enough, and are in a hurry to plan the wedding and get married.   We seek after this “Happily Ever After” so quickly, that we may tend to overlook red flags or dismiss warning signs.  Dating for a longer period of time can help you see them as they really are, after they have become relaxed around you.  You may want to see how they treat their family members, pets or animals, how they interact with small children, how they deal with disappointments, and their work ethic.   Dating is the time that we can have fun getting to know someone, so be careful not to rush this process. 

Engagement generally follows dating and while this is an exciting time it can also be very stressful.  Too often, we focus so much on the wedding that we neglect to prepare for marriage.  The average cost of a wedding today is between $19,000 to $35,000.  These figures shocked me, I have had two daughters get married and it didn’t even come close to that.  Yet, so many young couples start out in debt trying to get the big ring, and have the dream wedding, regardless of the cost.  Many times, the parents can help with the cost but this can also be burdensome in different ways.  Usually the bride’s parents pay the majority of the wedding costs and this can make the young couple feel obligated to her parents.  Parents and the couple need to be careful in this area, and allow the process to strengthen the new bride and groom.  Many times, the bride and her mother plan the majority of the wedding, leaving the groom out of the planning.  This can lead to strain on the new couple, and possibly isolating to the groom.  Engaged couples should spend quality time together and prepare for their new life and how they are going to handle the new responsibilities.

Next comes marriage.  Newlyweds are infectious with affection, love, and mutual admiration.  My second daughter recently married and we just love seeing them together and the happiness that exudes from them.  This is not the experience for everyone, the first year can be really difficult as you are learning to blend two people’s separate lives into one.  Each spouse has come from different backgrounds, spending habits, and experiences.  This doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, it simple means you need to learn how to merge your lives and make adjustments to your newly shared life.

Marriage is sacred and no other person, other relationship, or hobby should come in between the marriage relationship.  In Genesis 2:24 it says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”  This is possibly the hardest transition couples make, is leaving their old life and making a new one.  I don’t think this scripture means that you abandon your parents, extended family, and friends entirely, but you do need to reprioritize and restructure your newly formed family.  After talking to many different newly married couples, one of the biggest strains in their marriage are their relationships with the in-laws.  Which family do you spend the holidays with, how often should you call home, which family are you going to live by?  This can be extremely burdensome on a new couple.  In most cases, it is probably best to be on your own for a while, so that you can create an independence from parents, and learn how to depend on your spouse.  As a mother in law, this can be a difficult transition for the parents as well.  Letting your children go really pulls on your heartstrings, however, it is the best thing for your children to learn to live independent of you.  Sometimes girls’ nights and guys nights can become burdensome on a couple’s relationship, so you need to be mindful of activities that take you away from each other.  This doesn’t mean you need to give up everything you once loved because you get married.  You don’t, you should have some healthy individual activities that you enjoy.  It should mean that you re-evaluate the amount of time spent apart from your spouse, and perhaps find ways to include them in some of those activities.  Once you have committed to marriage, your spouse’s happiness should be your highest priority and supersede any other relationship. In Mark 10: 9, it says, “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” 

Bring Dating Back

Why is dating so important?  We live in a culture that is more reserved or hesitates dating others.  Our society has changed so much with online dating, and dating apps like Tinder or Mutual.  I wonder if it is because we tend to be lazier to plan dates or if we are more fearful.  Perhaps it could be linked to our social media and that has replaced personal face to face conversations which make dating more difficult.  Dallin H. Oaks gave a talk about dating, and said that “the cultural tides in our world run strongly against commitments in family relationships…and dating involves commitment, even for a few hours.  Hanging out requires no commitments at least for the men if the women provide the food and shelter.”  These are also ideas that we see on television with singles, they hang out with each other, trying to figure out what to do, but rarely do we see men or women making a planned date. 

Dating is a way to get to know other people and see how they interact with others and how they treat you individually.  Dallin H. Oaks suggests that a date should be paired off, planned, and paid for.  You can go on a date with others and it should have a plan of what you are going to do prior to the date.  It is so hard in today’s culture when someone asks you out, and they pick you up, then ask, what do you want to do?  It seems like it is up to the woman to then plan out the activity.  Whoever is asking the person on a date, should plan it, and tell the other what the planned activity is so the other can dress accordingly, like hiking or swimming.  Whomever does the asking should also pay for the activity, typically this should be the male, in my opinion.  Dating should be fun and creative, it does not need to be expensive and over the top activities.  It could involve cooking a meal together, going on a walk or hike, and bringing a picnic lunch.  It could involve playing a car or board game and ice cream sundaes.  Something the date should include is time to converse and interact, watching a movie doesn’t help you get to know someone, but it does help orchestrate cuddling.

Which brings me to the RAM (Relationship Attachment Model).  It is a great theory and design on how relationships should build on one another.  It starts out with a scale with: Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, Touch.  For healthy relationships to build and flourish, each section of the RAM should begin with Know, increase to trust, rely, commit, and then to touch.  Ideally, we should start with each section going from high to low.  So, knowing the person we are dating should be higher than physical touch.  Each category should naturally progress for ideal relationship model.  We too often skim the surface in our relationship progression and rush to physical touch.  We may not really know, trust, or rely on someone we begin dating, but are quick to cuddle with them or make out by the end of the date.  This confuses us about how we really feel about the person.  When we are too quick to physical touch, before we know or are committed to that person, we become inappropriately attached and confused. 

I feel that we need to spend the majority of our time getting to know someone and building strong friendships.  This increases our ability to rely on the other person when challenges come and increases our commitment.  Physical touch will come gradually and naturally as we progress through this relationship model.  Society in general has been approaching this in reverse, beginning with one-night stand or hook-ups.  This is not how we meet the people we want to marry or develop relationships with.  This is how have cheap experiences that can lead to lower self-esteem and broken hearts.  I fell in love with my best friend, so I am blessed.  We followed the RAM, we began as friends and dated for 3 years.  We just celebrated our 25^th wedding anniversary and I am very grateful.  Marrying your best friend is the best advice I could give. 

Does gender really matter?

Gender tends to be a hot topic in today's society, it never used to be an issue.  So much has changed within the last 15 years.  In years past, the definition of gender would be male/female, or boy/girl.  The new definition of gender from Wikipedia is "Gender is the range of characteristics pertaining to, and differentiating between, masculinity and femininity. Depending on the context, these characteristics may include biological sex, sex-based social structures, or gender identity. Traditionally, people who identify as men or women or use masculine or feminine gender pronouns are using a system of gender binary whereas those who exist outside these groups fall under the umbrella terms non-binary or gender-queer."  

Wow, so much has changed, even I’m confused by this definition.  This topic can generate a great deal of politics and discontentment and I don’t wish to contribute to either.  I do think it is interesting studying about these things and how much our culture has changed.  I’m not certain that all changes are for the better, I think it can become more confusing especially for those who are struggling with gender identity.

I think it has been changed in relation to our sexual identity.  We are in a sexual revolution where exploration and experimentation are widely accepted and, in many cases, encouraged.  

Boys and girls are different from birth and have physiological differences as well as their reactions to facial expressions, stimulation, and sensory responses.  Male infants often look at movement, lights, their surroundings, while female infants look at faces for long periods of time.  A study was conducted between toy preferences between male and female infants ranging from age 9 months to 17 months, 18-23 months, and 24-32 months.  They fell into the gender typical toys; boys chose trucks, diggers, cars, and balls, while the girls chose dolls, cooking, and dress up.  It was very interesting seeing the girls interact socially with each other, they talked about what roles they were going to play and talked about their feelings.  While young boys turned many objects into swords and made motor sounds with cars as they rammed them into objects.  Typical young boys were louder and more aggressive, while girls had many conversations while playing house, having tea parties, and playing dress up.  The male and female children chose these activities naturally and were observed.  There were a few children that didn’t follow these patterns, so what does this mean?

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe in a document written by our prophet and apostles, titled, The Family A Proclamation to the World.  It states, “All human beings male and female are created in the image of God.  Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and as such, each has a divine nature and destiny.  Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose”.  This document was presented to the church on September 23, 1995.  This document goes on to talk about the roles of men and women as husband and wife, what the roles and responsibilities of children are.  Let me say that this is something that is taught as an ideal way of living for families, but there is no punishment for those who do not abide by these teachings.  We always have our agency, nothing is ever forced upon us.  It is an inspiring document that has brought me great comfort and consolation in a world that has fluctuating values and is disintegrating as was foretold.  When it came out, it was not disputed, but we now see how differently society currently views these roles.

There are always exceptions, there are children who don’t follow the typical behaviors.  I’m not sure that we can label them as being gender confused, and it seems we are quick to assign labels.  If a child has certain tendencies or doesn’t fit into their peer group, we think they might be gay or even transgender.  I think there are boys that are more sensitive, but they shouldn’t be labeled by society or adults.  Everyone needs to be loved regardless of how they identify their gender or their sexual orientation.  I think that far too often, those who feel confused about who they are and begin to explore other options.  I feel that society may push kids in certain directions by encouraging exploration with their sexuality when they are too young. Teenagers are already hormone imbalanced as they are going through puberty, sexual experimentation would only increase the confusion they feel. I know people that are gay, some members of my family are openly gay, and I love them dearly.  This is not about judging lifestyles or people.  Boys and girls are different, even from birth. They think differently, and were created differently, but they compliment each other in beautiful ways.

Surviving or Thriving

I have been studying different family structures, and how it affects the children with a focus on how the family is affected economically.  I observed a family and their structure when the father was not with the family and how this impacted them. Fathers are tremendously important in the family, but society today often neglects this fact.  I do think this contributes greatly to the issues our society faces today.  Fathers are a support to their wives and their children economically and emotionally.  There are many reasons why fathers may not be present in the home, possibly from death, divorce, incarceration, living in another state for employment, among others.  I’m not saying that this in itself is evil, and I know there are many extenuating situations that are individual to each family.  There is no judgement from me, I am just looking at statistics and how these things affect the family unit. 

When a father is absent, women begin or continue to work to support the family so they can meet the additional financial responsibilities.  Many women take on a second job, and this adds additional stress on the children.  I watched a documentary about a mother who was not educated and was supporting her family on her own.  She worked at Burger King, and refused to ask for government assistance.  She didn’t have a working car so she walked to work 10.5 miles every day.  Her children were practically raising themselves and were living in below-poverty conditions.  She kept saying that she wanted to go to school to get an education so she could get a better job.  Her teenage sons, were ashamed of their lifestyle and their poverty.  They looked down on their mother and said that they were going to go to college so they could have a better life.  It was a very difficult situation for every member of the family.  A film crew went back several years later as a follow up to see how the family had changed.  They had upgraded from a trailer to a small home, and the mother was still working at Burger King and walking to work.  Neither of the sons went to college, the oldest became a father when he was a senior in high school, so he dropped out to support his wife and child.  The other son, dropped out earlier than that and had a drug problem and had been unemployed for two years and was getting some government assistance to help provide for his wife and child.  The mother was still insisting she was going to go back to school to get a better education.  Her sons told her it was a great dream, but they didn’t believe that she ever would.

So, what do you think?  I believe this mother had a dream, a deep desire to improve her position in society and to help her family more.  However, she was disadvantaged in many ways and seemed to be in crisis mode all of the time.  I think when we are in crisis mode it is difficult to see our way out of our challenges.  I think we can get stuck if we are just surviving all of the time, and often this in itself can prevent us from thriving.  While I think it is admirable that she didn’t accept government assistance, I think that this temporary assistance could have really helped her to progress out of her situation.  I also think that the boys fell into the statistics of drug problems, high school dropouts, and out of wedlock births.  These statistics are strong when a positive male role model or father is not present in the home. 

Fathers and mothers are equally important.  I think men get a bad rap in our society today.  They are represented in television shows and movies as dumb, arrogant, self-serving, not valued in a home and family.  I love strong women, I feel that I am one myself.  Do I think that women can do amazing things?  Absolutely, do we need men to define who we are?  No, but we need men to feel more valued and appreciated for the good things they do in our marriages and our homes.  Our children need them for security and for emotional well-being.  We need men who play with their children and express love to them.  We need men to honor their marital vows, and to show their children what love is by example and by loving their mother.  The family unit is crumbling before our eyes and our society is reflecting the brokenness in their homes and lives.  Men and women have unique roles and abilities to raise and love children in happy ways.  We are created to love one another and build each other up, let’s thrive and not simply survive.